TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely outside of put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have An additional spot the place American men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: provide everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from space, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Trump Tower Damascus Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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